Trolling is one of the most glorious forms of escape on the Internet for bitter and jaded people. Frustrated with the crap you read online or the people you meet in general? Troll ‘em. “Cool story, bro!” “You’re so smart!!!!11111oneone” and posting links to Rick Astley videos. After a couple years, I personally got tired of the trolling game online. Why? Because you can’t share your talents with people face-to-face and the people you love and/or hate the most. Some people consider the real life version of trolling to be bullying, but I’m here to demonstrate this isn’t true. I present to you: how to troll in academia.
1) Rick Roll on VISTA.
I pulled off this gem in first year. Simply post a link stating, “Hey guys, I found this video that really helps with our course subject matter,” and bam! You’re responsible for a minimum of a dozen Rick Rolls. Angry posts on VISTA will be served to you. Luckily, you have the satisfaction of knowing they were the ones who got served.
Fast forward to third year. The professor has a Google Doc on a projector for us all to see and edit. What did I do? Snag the laptop of the person beside me and start typing the lyrics for Rick Astley’s music. The professor now has a rule banning all Rick Rolling in the classroom. This stunt was a 65-person insta-troll which has trolls everywhere feeling proud.
2) When in a heated class discussion…
ALWAYS agree with the student who is receiving the most criticism. If they make a statement that is controversial and pisses off the rest of the class, your responsibility as a troll is to jump in there and support them unconditionally. An opinion becomes valid once multiple people agree, right? Make sure what you say doesn’t land you in hot water with the faculty, though. You should have a subtle enough profile in class that you can add in a few points that fuels the confidence of the controversial figure. Then withdraw your forces and watch classroom magic occur. If you’re getting concerned that you’re pushing the line, you can go with the little league approach and opt to befriend and compliment the controversial figure so they are willing to vocalize their opinions.
This can work outside the classroom, too. “Why yes, Vin Diesel is right. He absolutely deserved an Oscar for his compelling performance in Fast Five.”
3) Casual troll talk.
Ever met someone in the hallways who wanted to strike a conversation about a subject that you didn’t care about, or found annoying? Well next time, you don’t have to brush them off. How so? Counter their stance with complete BS. Er, not complete BS I should say. About 75% BS.
In order for your stance to be convincing, you must mix in just enough legitimate facts or reasoning with your ridiculously asinine claims. You can also use this approach if you want to agree with their stance. This way, you can discover if they’ll accept anyone’s stance as long as you agree with them or if they’ll attempt to counter a stance seriously that you fabricated. It’s absolute gold for when you hit up Facebook and need to post a status update.
Another disclaimer. Don’t use #3 as a way to write papers. I’ve heard that’s a baaaaaad idea.
You have completed your tutorial on how to troll in real life. Now get out.