Debaucherous University
Shag as much as you can; you’re only young once
4/7/10
Eazy-E was a reckless motherfucker. Illustration by Aidan Whiteley, adapted from photo by trapper keeper (flickr)
University is great for getting a higher education, but that’s not all it’s great for. If you’re like many on this campus, class work just gets in the way of your main motivation: getting drunk and getting nut. Sure, not everyone is a sex-crazed alcoholic, but who in their right mind would choose studying the economics of ancient Greece over booty and beer?
Don’t lose sight of your main objective during midterm and exam season. Those long hours locked up in your room or the library, staring at yet another comparative literature, class struggle, or organic Chemistry assignment can be downright stifling. Fantasizing about the librarians will only get you so far in the shower. Might as well start hitting on said librarian. I’ll bet s/he is pretty kinky once you get beyond being reprimanded for flirting too loudly. BDSM is more common than you think.
Your liver is still healthy in your 20s. Maybe you want to keep it that way, but don’t fret, it’s a resilient organ. You can regenerate a third of it or so. Keep your absinthe pounding to a moderate level, enough to lose your inhibitions, but not enough to end up with your head in the throne, and you’re golden. Take advantage of low fences surrounding pools and jump in. Hell, get naked in said pool. Remember, security guards aren’t real police, and can’t do much more than ask you to leave. That’s when you blow raspberries in their general direction. Be sure to (not) leave your beer cans crushed on the bottom of the pool as a parting gesture.
Hear that pounding beat? That’s not your increased heartbeat from running from the cops, or the reverberation of your time in said shower. It’s music. Glorious beats with the sole purpose of, as James Brown says, getting you up off that thing and dancing till you feel better. Your sedentary academic lifestyle needs some spice, and dancing is the perfect way to do it. It’s debaucherous as well as athletic. Rip it up, be it in some sweaty club surrounding by douche bags or in a friend’s living room.
In closing, in the words of Eazy-E, “gimme dat, gimme dat, gimme dat nut”. ‘Nuff said.
1 comment
Notorious on Apr 8, 2010 at 12:18am
YO I AGREE WITH DIS GUY HE SPEAKZ THA TRUF. GET DRUNK. SHAG HOS. DO ALL DIS AN STAY TRU 2 URSELF!
EAZY E IS THA BEST MOFO
Add a comment
Comments published on this website are the opinion of the commenter and not the Phoenix Newspaper. The Phoenix reserves the right to withdraw submissions from publication for any reason. Any reason could be material deemed to be sexist, racist, homophobic, or of poor taste or quality.