Why I have never watched a horror movie
Five reasons to ditch the scary and embrace unsoiled pants
11/29/11
Do scary movies give you the heeblie jeeblies? Logan Saunders explains why being scared is no fun. Photo collage by Hanss Lujan (The Phoenix)
The annual Halloween festivities have now passed us. Everyone (should) have suffered through a weekend of being sober and went out at night in their regular clothes as opposed to being ghouls, vampires, Super Mario, or Antoine Dodson.
Because the festivities have passed, I must make a confession: I have never watched a horror movie. I have not seen Halloween, Friday the 13th, nor Nightmare on Elm Street. And especially not Scarecrow. So the natural question everyone asks a twenty-year old male who makes such a confession is “WHY HAVEN’T YOU SEEN ONE? ARE YOU TRYING TO BE ALTERNATIVE HIPSTER? YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL TO BE A HORROR VIRGIN? OOoooOOOOO.”
Okay, it’s never gone to that extreme (that’s reserved for when I say I haven’t drunk alcohol). So allow me to outline the reasons why I have never watched a horror movie:
1) The concept of horror films makes no sense The intention of a horror movie is to scare the feces out of you. I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer to leave a theatre with a clean pair of pants. And that fills my potty joke quota for the month.
2) Fear of incurring insomnia The last thing a third year university student needs is one extra item of stress to worry about as they meet the Sandman. How can I sleep if I have to worry about due dates, extra-curricular activities I have committed myself to do, terrible jokes I wish to incorporate into a presentation for Anthropology, AND Freddy Kreuger waiting to hunt me down in Dreamland? I have a tough time fitting in more than six hours as it stands. I want to look forward to flying on a Parakoopa amongst a pile of fluffy clouds with Ness. I’d rather not dream about being with Michael Myers... or Michael Myers.
3) What can I gain as a person from a horror movie? Nothing! I walk down the street alone at night and every few steps I do a 180 degree turn to ensure I’m not being followed. But is that really enough? Or, “wow guys, I didn’t learn you could still be conscious when a pick axe lodges into your skull. Do I want these pieces of information to be cemented in my brain for the rest of my existence? No, I’d rather know that 1066 is when the Battle of Hastings occurred and The Situation being invited to my comedy roast should be avoided at ALL costs.
4) Fear of a temporary or otherwise permanent personality change If I am expected to embrace gore and violence, does that mean I myself will become violent? If someone makes me angry, should I digest it for a few days before I grab a scythe from my parents’ garage and just go ape shit on campus? According to the Charter, “Everyone has the right to at least one, but not exceeding two, slash fests in their lifespan.” Crap. I’d better choose wisely.
5) I could be doing more productive things instead Why watch a scary movie when you can learn the Moonwalk? Why not invite friends over to play Mario Party2? Why not watch and support an independent film instead? Raise money for cancer? Stop procrastinating and flippin study BEFORE the morning of the exam? Stalk your friends on Facebook?
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