It’s a strange feeling I had never felt before; it’s almost indescribable. Before coming to university, I was excited. I remember sitting on my high school lawn court and thinking about how much I wanted to grow up and head out into the world. All my problems then, looking back, were so small compared to the ones I am facing now.
The world seemed impossible, yet exciting. My world comprised 6 hours' worth of talking with my friends about boys and plans for the next Friday. My “problems” were whether I’d be allowed to go out two days in a row, or anxiously waiting for the boy I liked to text me back. I could not wait to grow up, and naively – as I think it happens so often– I thought everything would stay the same. The only difference was that I would no longer have to sneak in booze when going to my friend’s house; I could proudly buy them myself.
I thought I had it all figured out. My degree, career path, even my friends from back home would be the same. But boy did I not expect things to go the way they are going.
I had never felt so alone and clueless until I arrived at university.
It almost feels as if I was thrown into the world all by myself. The “pocket guide” I had with my preconceived notions of what I thought adulthood would be like ripped apart as soon as I stepped on campus.
No one, and I mean NO ONE, told me this is what it would be like. Making friends seemed like a full on task. And many times they only stuck for a couple of days, weeks, and some even left after having spent many hours and meaningful moments together.
A big part of me thought that once I returned home from the holidays, everything would be exactly as it was when I left. My friends would be the same; nothing eventful would have happened. But life went on without me there. Everyone changed. Compared to them, I had no one back in Canada. I had to learn to do everything by myself because no one was there to tell me otherwise. My friends, who still lived in the same city, were still doing the same things that we were doing when we were back in school; only going to university, their parents still cooked and cleaned for them. I cannot even remember the last time I properly went out because I am simply too exhausted to do anything.
I feel like I had to grow up instantly. All those fun college moments my friends were experiencing were lost to me.
“What am I doing with my life?” is a sentiment I believe most people ask themselves at least once. Questioning every choice and personal relationship is common, but questioning who I have become is something I had never felt before.
It feels as if I am standing in front of thousands of mirrors and I don’t recognize myself in any of them.
What choices have I made that changed entirely how I see myself? Is it my career choice? I have no idea what I want to do once I graduate and I don’t even know if I feel fulfilled with the choice I made. Is it the many bad friend choices I made when starting my university degree that, to this day, continue to hurt me? Or is it the university I chose that simply isn’t right for me?
I guess this is what I came to identify as having an identity crisis. Not a single week goes by where I don’t stare into oblivion and question my life choices.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to have it all figured out right now.”
That is what everyone around me says. While it has some truth to it, the feeling of not knowing is what continues this internal crisis. How am I supposed to not think about my future?
I guess this article has no conclusion. I have no answers, and probably never will. But all I can say is that even though it is hard, nothing is left except to take it day by day.